so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
