i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
