so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's official drugs can't kill me
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
