new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
