He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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