New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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