Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
