like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you would pick up someone in the library
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
