We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
