he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
