u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I need to calm my uterus...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
