I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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