If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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