True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
