Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
