She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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