Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So vagazzling was a success
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
