Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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