i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
