im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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