You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
