I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I love how my cats smell like pot.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
