If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
