I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
