Whod you bang
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
