well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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