I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
