Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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