I cannot find my penis.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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