the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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