I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
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