I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
