My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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