We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
