You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
