By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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