any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
