I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
