She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
