Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
