He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
