I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
