If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
