State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
