Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
