The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
