i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
