The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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