apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
