wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my vag is so smooth its legendary
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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